Once I obtained a marriage invitation from my associates Jiyeon Kim and Olof Norlander this 12 months, I knew precisely the place I’d choose up their wedding ceremony current: the financial institution.
The 2 had already married in Uppsala, Sweden, the place they reside, however Ms. Kim’s father needed the newlyweds to have a second ceremony in Changwon, South Korea, the place he had spent years attending the weddings of his associates’ and colleagues’ youngsters.
As is custom, he gave the marrying {couples} envelopes of money identified in Korean as chug-ui-geum, or congratulatory cash. Having a marriage in South Korea would enable him not solely to share the joyous event along with his household and associates, but in addition to offset the prices of the occasion with reciprocated money items from attendees.
“We will’t deny that the excess in cash was one of many good outcomes of the marriage,” mentioned Ms. Kim, 32, who held her second ceremony in Might.
Weddings are peaking presently of 12 months, and in Asia, it has lengthy been customized to congratulate marrying {couples} with money as an alternative of items from a registry. In South Korea, company current their envelopes of money to an appointed pal or member of the family of the newlywed couple upon arriving on the reception. In return, they’re offered with a meal ticket that enables them entrance to the marriage banquet, and the quantity given is discreetly written in a register. Company who can’t attend are given the choice to wire cash to the newlyweds’ checking account quantity written on the invitation.
Whereas it has develop into more and more common for {couples} in the US to ask for money when getting married, it’s nonetheless uncommon for American {couples} to have a registry that’s money solely, mentioned Emily Forrest, director of communications for Zola, a marriage registry web site.
Nobu Nakaguchi, a co-founder at Zola, mentioned he observed cultural variations in gift-giving when he obtained married in 2005. He had a Roman Catholic wedding ceremony in the US and a Buddhist wedding ceremony in Japan. It was a captivating expertise to obtain money at his Japanese wedding ceremony, he mentioned, since many People consider that giving money is gauche.
“In the event you go to an Asian nation like Japan or Korea, the expectation is to obtain a money present,” Mr. Nakaguchi, 48, mentioned. “I don’t suppose we’re absolutely there within the U.S.”
Regardless of long-held customs round giving money, discussing expectations about cash was thought of a cultural taboo in Asian international locations, mentioned Lee Eun-hee, a client science professor at Inha College in South Korea.
“Whereas cash items are anticipated and desired, our tradition forbids us to explicitly spell out what we would like,” she mentioned, declaring that because of this etiquette dictates cash be offered in envelopes.
This dichotomy has resulted in a wealthy dialog across the etiquette of giving money at weddings in Asia. Ought to a present replicate the price of your banquet meal? How do you place a numerical worth on a friendship? Listed here are some unwritten guidelines on how giving cash works at Asian weddings.
When Dad and mom Personal the Wedding ceremony
Mengqi Wang, an assistant professor of anthropology at Duke Kunshan College who had two weddings in China, described each of her experiences as giant affairs that didn’t attempt to replicate her and her husband’s relationship. She felt an obligation to have the ceremonies, largely as a result of she knew they have been vital rituals for her dad and mom.
“We don’t have that cash,” she mentioned of the money items, which finally went to her dad and mom. “I don’t even know the way a lot cash my dad and mom obtained.”
Whereas weddings in Asia are more and more turning into much less conventional, dad and mom play a significant function in arranging the occasion and making monetary choices as a result of they’re usually paying for it. It’s widespread for folks to find out how a lot of the congratulatory cash the newlyweds maintain.
That is why a mother or father at a Korean wedding ceremony is known as the hon-ju, or proprietor of the marriage. Many Korean {couples} work out a system with their dad and mom by which they maintain a selected portion of the cash. Nonetheless, when cash could also be some extent of competition, some brides will appoint a gabang-sooni, or particular person in control of your bag, to gather the cash in personal fairly than on the reception.
Don’t Present Me the Cash
Reward cash is rarely meant to be bodily seen. To work round this, many Asian cultures have particular envelopes for the event. In South Korea, solely crisp, new payments are to be offered — stacked front-first — in a white envelope with the giver’s identify written vertically on it.
In Japan, the shugi-bukuro, or envelope for congratulatory cash, was historically made by hand in purple and white, however can now be purchased in quite a lot of colours. In lots of Chinese language cultures, the envelope most related to the Lunar New Yr, hong-bao, is famously purple. Since cash is given for various events, together with funerals, Asian wedding ceremony attendees ought to be certain the proper envelope is given.
Lately, sending cash by a financial institution switch or electronically through digital envelopes on messaging apps like WeChat and KakaoTalk has additionally develop into acceptable.
Calculate Your Closeness
Ms. Kim, who has attended weddings in Europe and Asia, mentioned it was a lot more durable for her to determine how a lot to contribute to a marriage in Sweden, because the customs are completely different.
Whereas a present anyplace is a consideration of your relationship and the social state of affairs, there may be usually a socially accepted method to gift-giving in Asia that takes into consideration quite a lot of components, together with beliefs about auspicious numbers and energy in relationships.
In Japan, the place the typical goshugi, or envelope of money given at an auspicious event, is someplace from 30,000 yen ($211) to 50,000 yen ($350), it’s usually understood {that a} youthful grownup or school scholar ought to contribute ¥10,000 ($70), whereas office superiors and older family ought to goal for the upper finish of that vary or extra.
Basic recommendation from Korean blogs and society reporting recommends asking your self these questions to know what constitutes a detailed relationship: Is the particular person inviting you a piece colleague? Did you obtain a cell invitation solely? Does your mom know this particular person’s identify? Would your mom’s response to listening to the particular person’s identify be “Oh, proper, that particular person’s daughter”? Any reply pointing to closeness would add to the suitable quantity — sometimes leading to a cost from 50,000 received ($39) to 100,000 received ($77), in response to a survey of South Korean singles in 2022.
Ms. Wang, the anthropology professor, mentioned the cash given at weddings was additionally used to ascertain a stronger bond, or guanxi.
“The marriage is a type of events the place you get to offer a present to somebody,” she mentioned. “With out a special day, it could look out of context. To provide a present — a great one — can also be a method to cement relationships.”
It’s not only a financial trade however an trade of credit score and debt, she added.
As such, the marriage present giving system has been abused by individuals in energy, and governments in Asia have even tried to control items to stop bribery and corruption. In South Korea, an anti-graft regulation, the Kim Younger-ran Act, was put into place limiting how a lot public servants might be given on numerous events — capping money items at 100,000 received at weddings. However the act has been troublesome to implement as a result of a separate entity must audit every present offered on the ceremonies.
Cowl Your Plate
Along with social place and proximity, standard knowledge in Asia says the price of the banquet meal ought to be factored in. This concept is so widespread in Singapore that dozens of web sites lay out how a lot a desk prices at most main inns within the nation.
Michelle Tay, an editor at Singapore Brides, says that whereas she encourages readers to pay as a lot ang bao (Hokkien for purple envelope) as they will, many individuals wish to have a tough estimate of how a lot others are paying by first trying on the costs listed on the venue.
“Each half a 12 months or so, venues will regulate their banquet costs in response to rising prices,” Ms. Tay mentioned. “This not directly causes individuals to really feel pressured to pay extra after they examine the ang bao guides which are up to date with the brand new charges.”
Ms. Lee, the buyer science professor, is usually contacted by Korean media organizations for recommendation on how a lot to pay at a marriage. She mentioned her rule of thumb was all the time: “Search for the venue the place the couple is getting married. See how a lot a meal there prices. And if you’ll not cowl the value of your plate, it’s higher to not go and ship them an digital switch of fifty,000 received as an alternative.”
Use a Fortunate Quantity
Since many Asian cultures have superstitions round cash, it might be sensible to lookup which numbers are thought of fortunate on the wedding ceremony in query. In South Korea, the quantity 4 is taken into account unfortunate due to its resemblance to the character for dying. In Japan, be cautious of any sum that’s divisible by two, as a result of it’s simply separated. In China, values ending in eight are most well-liked for his or her affiliation with wealth and prosperity.
It’s Not Tit for Tat
Ms. Wang mentioned her mom’s precept was all the time: “It’s a must to keep in mind how a lot the particular person gave you, and also you reciprocate, however by no means the equal quantity of worth. It shouldn’t really feel like a market transaction. Reciprocate by including just a little extra to point you wish to proceed to have a relationship with that particular person.”
Her mom’s recommendation additionally got here with a warning: “In the event you pay an excessive amount of extra, it could actually come throughout as vanity.”
In China, when she is not sure of how a lot to pay, Ms. Wang calls her associates to match notes.
“If we lived in a superbly closed neighborhood, everyone would know their positions and they might know the way a lot to offer, however the actuality is that we’re all the time cell,” she mentioned. That is true whether or not an individual is attempting to place a determine on a marriage present, sending condolences to a funeral (additionally a money present in lots of Asian international locations) or attempting to pick a present for a child bathe.
In some methods, “it’s no completely different than what occurs in America,” Mr. Nakaguchi mentioned. Folks keep in mind what company spent at their wedding ceremony and attempt to reciprocate equal or increased values.
