Since most voters are so dumb it’s a miracle that they’ll even fill out their poll, and since they wouldn’t perceive the problems even when politicians have been trustworthy about them, most presidential campaigns quantity to little greater than flagrantly misleading PR blitzes. From now till November 5, each events’ advertising and marketing gurus will battle to make the candidates and their households “relatable” and “likeable.”
It issues not that anybody who’s climbed excessive sufficient up the ladder to grow to be a serious occasion’s candidate, in addition to their households, get pleasure from lives which are completely incomprehensible to the roaring majority of Individuals—voters have to be duped into pondering that politicians “get them” and are “similar to us.”
In late July, when Joe Biden wandered off the plantation in a stupor, Democratic strategists have been tasked with making Kamala Harris likeable. That’s no imply feat! Then they confronted the unenviable specter of wrangling Tim Walz, that squealing albino pig from the heartland, right into a creature much less bizarre and extra regular than everybody is aware of he’s.
I don’t understand how they’re going to convincingly promote Doug Emhoff—who’s presently America’s Second Gentleman—to the general public. However I can’t fault them for attempting. It’s their job.
First off, simply take a look at him. He has a big beak and a physique that’s swollen within the center and tapered on the high and backside, nearly as if a penguin had all of a sudden transmogrified right into a middle-aged balding male Jew. This pear-shaped putz with child-bearing hips and a face that’s sinking into terraced layers of chin fats is all rumpled-looking, like a gray sock somebody simply pulled out of the hamper.
Since his spouse was the primary feminine vp, Emhoff is compelled to be her second banana, and the general public is meant to embrace the concept that being a “Second Gentleman,” and presumably America’s first “First Gentleman,” is one thing to admire. Emhoff has touted himself as a “spouse man,” which is a disgusting time period that denotes a person who steps into the background and applauds the truth that his partner makes extra money, has extra fame, and calls extra photographs than he does.
Throughout his speech on the Democratic Nationwide Conference, Emhoff was ruthlessly self-effacing, however with a face like his, that’s not such a foul factor. He mentioned that his mom “is the one particular person in the entire world who thinks Kamala is the fortunate one for marrying me.” He recalled how earlier than they began courting, he stammered his approach via his first voicemail to her and that she performs that “embarrassing second” again to him on each anniversary as if it’s purported to be cute somewhat than a deliberate humiliation ritual. He additionally assured the general public that Kamala has all of the character traits usually related to an alpha male:
She by no means runs from a combat, and he or she is aware of one of the simplest ways to take care of a coward is to take him head-on, as a result of everyone knows cowards are weak and Kamala Harris can odor weak point.
Of course she will odor weak point, Doug. Why else would she have married you? Should you nonetheless sleep collectively, I’m positive she smells weak point each night time.
I attempt to be good. I actually do. I additionally attempt to keep away from insanity, heartache, and issues that upset me. However final Friday, I scraped my knee on an opinion column for the Washington Put up known as “Doug Emhoff, modern-day intercourse image.” A lady wrote it, and we’re anticipated to imagine she actually means what she wrote:
Doug Emhoff has been known as many issues in recent times: “Second Gentleman.” “Goofy dad.” “Crappy Jew.” However maybe his most acceptable title: “Progressive Intercourse Image.”Transfer over, Ryan Gosling. The fashionable feminine fantasy is embodied by the person who may quickly grow to be our first First Gentleman. Emhoff seems to be a real mensch with a powerful profession. He’s smitten together with his spouse and helps her ambitions, as is apparent from his conference speech and their candy interactions on the marketing campaign path. However most necessary for this attractive sobriquet: Emhoff is safe sufficient together with his personal masculinity to typically prioritize his spouse’s ambitions over his personal.
What. A. Hunk.
If Individuals need to ever get previous the poisonous masculinity that stains our previous, we have to study and settle for—nay, even have fun—the concept that Doug Emhoff is safe sufficient in his masculinity that he’s the antithesis of masculinity.
May as effectively name him Doug Femhoff.
However Dougie isn’t solely a one-issue man. Neutering the rest of American males isn’t his sole concern.
Doug Emhoff is aware of that America has one other gigantic drawback. No, it’s not the economic system. No, it isn’t accelerating ethnic balkanization. And it positively ain’t the looming risk of a thermonuclear sizzling battle that will depart the continental United States trying just like the world’s largest ashtray.
Doug Emhoff is aware of that, aside from poisonous masculinity, America’s greatest drawback will be summed up in a single phrase: antisemitism.
Simply ask him, and he’ll let you know. He’ll let you know even if you happen to don’t ask. He’s the kind of shlub who’ll stroll proper as much as you on the road and say, “Are you doing sufficient to combat antisemitism?”
For Doug, there merely isn’t sufficient anti-antisemitism on the market.
NPR says that after Emhoff grew to become America’s first Jewish Second Gentleman in 2020, he made combating Jew-hate “his challenge.” And after the horrid occasions of October 7, 2023, which Emhoff says allowed rampant, galloping, and fully unfounded criticism of Jews to escalate “from drawback to disaster,” he flew to the previous Auschwitz-Birkenau camp in Poland:
I had seen, like many individuals have seen, footage of focus camps. And also you’ve seen the grainy images, the horrible pictures. And till you truly step as much as that gate and also you see the barbed wire, the silence, the coldness, you possibly can actually see the despair and the desolation, and you then see the ovens the place individuals have been cremated. And also you see they’ve saved hundreds of pairs of footwear, a lot of them kids’s footwear. So that you see the footwear. You see the eyeglasses that have been taken off, the human hair. It’s so overwhelming to expertise that and to think about what went on there.
I can’t think about seeing all these footwear. However I think about that when he’s asleep at night time, Doug Emhoff has nightmares about these footwear.
Solely final week, he pledged to proceed combating antisemitism “after I’m First Gentleman.”
Judging from Doug Emhoff’s public statements, within the occasion that his barren-wombed, pants-wearing, cobra snake of a spouse turns into president, and he ascends to the function of America’s first Mister First Girl, he pledges to do two issues: 1) keep out of Kamala’s approach; and a couple of) take selfies trying mopey at each concentration-camp theme-park in Europe.
Are you offered?